Good Grief
This thing is completely crazy. I would have posted sooner but you have to know how to work the site before you can master actually posting again. You would think being married to the smarted man in the world he could help but I guess he is busy. Now there is a surprise a hubby that is busy. Can anyone relate to that? I doubt it. Or maybe you can I mean they say it enough it is just have you ever noticed a man's version of busy doesn't look like a women's version of the same word. I guess that is what keeps married life interesting.
Okay so since I think this is up and running let me just say journaling used to be one of my favorite things to do in life. Then, I met the Blog and it has had me so frustrated I am not even sure I like journaling after all. LOL! I started journaling the old way with a pen and paper. It seemed like such a good idea to vent there and not yell at family and friends, then I realized I was in bondage to it. How? Well, when you have it written down if you can't remember exactly why it is you weren't speaking to your hubby last month you can go back, re-live it and not speak to him again tonight and he is even more clueless then the first time. See on paper I could go back and read the bad moments and live them again and again. I know it doesn't seem like a sane thing to do, but nowhere have I written in the crazy thing that I am sane, hopefully you didn't just assume I was. I mean after all I am married and have two children how sane is that?
Just kidding...sort of. I mean I do have two kids and a husband but most the time they are great. I never regret any of those choices and although I have to remind myself on the bad days "they are a blessing not a curse...they are a blessing not a curse" I would not be able to imagine life without them. If I had my realy old journals I guess I could but because I realized I was in bondage I write and after they are full I toss them. I have done like I promised in the beginning taken time for this everyday, unfortunately I was unable to find my own blog spot for the longest time luckily my sister came and showed me how to find it, still I didn't know how to post again like I said before, but finally after several rough moments tonight I think I have it.
My life has been too crazy to write lately anyway. I took a state examine recently that my career outside of the home requires I take periodically and getting ready for that was a little intense. I probably should have been here trying to figure this out it was better then that practicing. I think I did okay but I didn't do it in front a live panel so I won't know how it went for 4-6 weeks. It is worth the wait not to hear people scribbling while you are doing your job. Just not ready for that. I have to reach a certain level this year to maintain my job. Did I do it? Who knows I can go back in 6 months and do it again if I didn't but by that time I will be in a new place.
I bring this up because it brings me to what this whole thing was going to be about before I got frustrated trying to do it. I know I am dwelling. Oh well I can't help it sometimes. Rainy weeks make me dwell. Anyway, let me start by saying I was a stay at home mom for 12 years and I became that person after being diagnosed with cancer. god battled that in my body off and on for almost all of that 12 year. I am happy to say I was completely healed 1 year 6 months and 1 day ago and I have been experiencing life in a whole new way. (Another long story) And no you haven't read about me in the Enquirer this is real life stuff and I don't like to share it too often. It is pretty emotional. Anyway, during that battle I went back to school and chased a life dream and I believe my purpose in life and started back to work 2 years ago. I should stay started back to work outside the home. It has been great. I love my job, there is one person who makes me nuts but she isn't a Christian and that can happen in situations like that, and as soon as I start to become irritated with her God gently reminds me I can focus on that one non-Christian and act unbecomingly or I can focus on all the Christians and display that so she wants what we have "GOD". So I try to go that way. Still I couldn't help but wonder if I was supposed to remain in my same position next year and I came to several different decisions. Okay I am back to where I planned to start tonight. I started praying about that test and I told God I didn't know what to do about my job but if I don't get the right level I will no longer have a choice I will have to quit until I get that next level. At first I did the normal prayer I am sure you can all relate too it goes like this..."God, I want your will for my life, which I know is for me to reach that new level and be humble about it but continue in this perfect job. I know your will is the same as mine because I believe it to be. I want your will God because you want me to succeed in this place I am in I know you wouldn't want me to change places of work because you know how difficult that is for me. So God I am willing to accept you giving me the score I desire on the test that I took because you want me to stay here too." See I thought his will was what I convinvced him of. I know in my heart that isn't true but I still tried to pray that way at times. Probably will in the future at times too. Then something changed inside of me. I started to pray for God's will only this time I really felt it. I felt like I want what God wants for me, maybe my prayers I was cheating myself out of a new experience, or maybe I am supposed to stay but only God knows for the next 6 weeks what will happen and I am okay with it. The test part went okay there is an interview included that I know I messed up on, but that is an improvement before I never knew when I messed up so if I fail or don't go up in score I have learned and I will wait until God is ready for me to be there. It will be a blessing either way. By the way I am even working with God on if I pass with a new level are you sure you want me to stay there? I don't want to cheat myself my praying my measly dreams I want God's dreams for me in my life. It is still scary and I will be sad if I don't get it, but in a different way I will explain if it happens. Still, I feel I have grown and I can now feel safe in praying God's wil over my life it doesn't seem scary anymore. I know it sounds immature but it is a real feeling and something I didn't even know I did consciously until this test approached. SO, it is true God grows us some everyday of our lives and I don't want to grow out but up is okay. As long as I don't have to mature, gray, lose my teeth and hair....you get the idea he is still working on me and self-acceptance and accepting change. I will get there though because I have God and many friends who are helping me. See you tomorrow..maybe if I can find my way back here.
PS. I am not checking for errors so bear with me for now...
Okay so since I think this is up and running let me just say journaling used to be one of my favorite things to do in life. Then, I met the Blog and it has had me so frustrated I am not even sure I like journaling after all. LOL! I started journaling the old way with a pen and paper. It seemed like such a good idea to vent there and not yell at family and friends, then I realized I was in bondage to it. How? Well, when you have it written down if you can't remember exactly why it is you weren't speaking to your hubby last month you can go back, re-live it and not speak to him again tonight and he is even more clueless then the first time. See on paper I could go back and read the bad moments and live them again and again. I know it doesn't seem like a sane thing to do, but nowhere have I written in the crazy thing that I am sane, hopefully you didn't just assume I was. I mean after all I am married and have two children how sane is that?
Just kidding...sort of. I mean I do have two kids and a husband but most the time they are great. I never regret any of those choices and although I have to remind myself on the bad days "they are a blessing not a curse...they are a blessing not a curse" I would not be able to imagine life without them. If I had my realy old journals I guess I could but because I realized I was in bondage I write and after they are full I toss them. I have done like I promised in the beginning taken time for this everyday, unfortunately I was unable to find my own blog spot for the longest time luckily my sister came and showed me how to find it, still I didn't know how to post again like I said before, but finally after several rough moments tonight I think I have it.
My life has been too crazy to write lately anyway. I took a state examine recently that my career outside of the home requires I take periodically and getting ready for that was a little intense. I probably should have been here trying to figure this out it was better then that practicing. I think I did okay but I didn't do it in front a live panel so I won't know how it went for 4-6 weeks. It is worth the wait not to hear people scribbling while you are doing your job. Just not ready for that. I have to reach a certain level this year to maintain my job. Did I do it? Who knows I can go back in 6 months and do it again if I didn't but by that time I will be in a new place.
I bring this up because it brings me to what this whole thing was going to be about before I got frustrated trying to do it. I know I am dwelling. Oh well I can't help it sometimes. Rainy weeks make me dwell. Anyway, let me start by saying I was a stay at home mom for 12 years and I became that person after being diagnosed with cancer. god battled that in my body off and on for almost all of that 12 year. I am happy to say I was completely healed 1 year 6 months and 1 day ago and I have been experiencing life in a whole new way. (Another long story) And no you haven't read about me in the Enquirer this is real life stuff and I don't like to share it too often. It is pretty emotional. Anyway, during that battle I went back to school and chased a life dream and I believe my purpose in life and started back to work 2 years ago. I should stay started back to work outside the home. It has been great. I love my job, there is one person who makes me nuts but she isn't a Christian and that can happen in situations like that, and as soon as I start to become irritated with her God gently reminds me I can focus on that one non-Christian and act unbecomingly or I can focus on all the Christians and display that so she wants what we have "GOD". So I try to go that way. Still I couldn't help but wonder if I was supposed to remain in my same position next year and I came to several different decisions. Okay I am back to where I planned to start tonight. I started praying about that test and I told God I didn't know what to do about my job but if I don't get the right level I will no longer have a choice I will have to quit until I get that next level. At first I did the normal prayer I am sure you can all relate too it goes like this..."God, I want your will for my life, which I know is for me to reach that new level and be humble about it but continue in this perfect job. I know your will is the same as mine because I believe it to be. I want your will God because you want me to succeed in this place I am in I know you wouldn't want me to change places of work because you know how difficult that is for me. So God I am willing to accept you giving me the score I desire on the test that I took because you want me to stay here too." See I thought his will was what I convinvced him of. I know in my heart that isn't true but I still tried to pray that way at times. Probably will in the future at times too. Then something changed inside of me. I started to pray for God's will only this time I really felt it. I felt like I want what God wants for me, maybe my prayers I was cheating myself out of a new experience, or maybe I am supposed to stay but only God knows for the next 6 weeks what will happen and I am okay with it. The test part went okay there is an interview included that I know I messed up on, but that is an improvement before I never knew when I messed up so if I fail or don't go up in score I have learned and I will wait until God is ready for me to be there. It will be a blessing either way. By the way I am even working with God on if I pass with a new level are you sure you want me to stay there? I don't want to cheat myself my praying my measly dreams I want God's dreams for me in my life. It is still scary and I will be sad if I don't get it, but in a different way I will explain if it happens. Still, I feel I have grown and I can now feel safe in praying God's wil over my life it doesn't seem scary anymore. I know it sounds immature but it is a real feeling and something I didn't even know I did consciously until this test approached. SO, it is true God grows us some everyday of our lives and I don't want to grow out but up is okay. As long as I don't have to mature, gray, lose my teeth and hair....you get the idea he is still working on me and self-acceptance and accepting change. I will get there though because I have God and many friends who are helping me. See you tomorrow..maybe if I can find my way back here.
PS. I am not checking for errors so bear with me for now...
posted by great2beme at 6:28 PM
1 comments
